看《人间失格》的时候，自然的想起了《被嫌弃的松子的一生》，感觉两者表达的是同一种心态 —— 压抑自己，迎合别人。
《被嫌弃的松子的一生》是在准备公务员面试的时候，被培训老师推荐，女生这一生一定要看的一部电影。
这位培训老师一边告诉我们培训的技巧，一边告诉我们人生除了当公务员还有很多的可能性。被如此强推的一部电影，一年后，我念念不忘的把它看了。
看完之后，首先感受到了屈辱。
《被嫌弃的松子的一生》述说的是一个叫松子的女性，从小时候就不停的取悦各种各样的男性，从父亲到各种男友们，最后被不停的抛弃，直至死亡。
没想到在培训老师的眼里，打算报考公务员的女性竟然是这样的一种的形象——毫无主见，一味迎合他人。彼时的我已经面试落榜很久，但是回忆当初，仍然不觉得这是一个轻而易举、随波逐流的决定，当时的我，依旧在能力所及的范围内考虑了各种风险和可能性，觉得这是值得一试的职业。
被误解的屈辱让我久久不能平静。甚至有一点困惑。
同时，我也不由得对松子产生一种莫名的敬佩之情，松子一直到死，都完整的保持着想要爱人的初心，这是多么难能可贵的品质。
我从小到大生活的环境，或许层次相对丰富，从心地单纯，靠地吃地，靠山吃山的农民，到做一点小生意的商人，到正常工作的白领，到事业单位内的半体制人，到坐吃皇粮的公务员，各种类型的人涵盖了我整个相对亲密的亲戚圈。
从小旁观各种不同角度来看待同一家庭事物的长辈们，总能从中对比出不同的私心和考量，这似乎让我从很小就丧失了从心底里去爱人的热情，同学、朋友相比之下，反而单纯直接，仿佛怎么比都是好的。我喜欢厌恶甚至超过喜爱，觉得负面情绪更加单纯可信，欢欣大多夹杂着伪装，需要让人去猜。
松子的存在，无不像一记极有杀伤力的正能量 —— 原来你一定想去爱人，结局也不过如此，原来执着爱人到死亡，结局也不过如此。
竟然凭着这部电影，恢复了众多活着的安全感。
相比之下，曾经遇到的人中，有看这部电影到痛哭流涕，以及根本不敢去看的人，是基于怎么样的心理和环境会有这样的感受，也让我好奇琢磨。
《人间失格》同样写的是一位名叫大庭叶藏的男性，从小就觉得自己与所有人不一样，为了避免被抛弃和孤立，刻意的压抑自己，做出取悦他人的动作言行。他一边受到所有人的喜爱，一边内心深深的恐惧与痛苦，最后自杀而亡。
不得不说日本的文学极其擅长把一种感情放至极端，好像一味重药，把你模糊感受到的，但是无法分辨抽离的情绪抽丝剥茧的扯出来赤裸裸的放在你面前。
如果说我在看《被嫌弃的松子的一生》时还没有意识到所谓的“丑角精神”，太宰治（《人间失格》作者）应该有通过这本书给我一记狠狠的耳光吧？
人为什么要通过压抑自己来取悦别人呢？几年之前我觉得这是一件不可思议的事情，有舍有得是宇宙常理，你想要什么，就要付出等值的代价，如何把握好度，不就是我们在人间的修习么。
可是近年却发现原来世上越来越多的人，都是一个个松子和大庭叶藏，他们在不可自知的压抑自我，只是为了保持与人交往时表面的和谐。一边懦弱一边强势，一边自卑一边自傲，被爱束缚不可解脱。
发现这一点后，对公务员培训老师推荐松子的不解之情反而释然了。
咦，评论要填邮箱。说起来这两个都没有看过，《松子》一直想看倒是不停被滞后。人生总有取舍，有时候却也乐于被虐之心，不过细细想来大多还是难受的。时光流逝，重拾初心愈发困难，却已经箭在弦上刻不容缓。
如果刻不容缓，那就一鼓作气~
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